In my 20s and 30s, I led your DC life, then relatively suddenly woke up to the financially lucrative void at the center of all that competition and movement. At least in my case. I retired at 38 and then 45, and finally made it stick at 55. Now, my wife, who still works like a lunatic, describes me as the busiest retiree she's ever met. And she's right--between photography, cooking, playing the clarinet, travel blogging, and travel itself (planning and going), and all the other little obsessions that arise along the way, I rarely have a spare minute. But as a current and former expat (now writing from home in Belgium), I have to call the expatriate life a gift from some God. It's a unique opportunity to add real depth to one's life. It's not easy, especially in places with established American communities to distract the attention, but when we strip away the safety nets and dive in, life never looks the same. I end your opportunities in a vast historical civilization like Cairo and love what you're doing with the antiquities.
That is so cool that you were able to retire early and travel--it sounds like you are really making the most of it! I couldn’t agree more that expat life is a gift. It isn’t always easy, but nothing worth doing is, right? It has woken me up to new perspectives on just about everything. I feel like I’m constantly being pushed out of my comfort zone and learning new things. As you point out, that adds so much depth to one’s life--a kind of depth that can be tough to gain when you’re working in an office in DC.
My typewriter took over when i meant to say that I envied your life in Cairo. After 60 years, we're pretty glued in (but not jaded) to northern European life, and it is completely different, but still in the same general world as America. Sort of anyway. Cairo is different, as is India, where we find most of our major adventures these days. Just the languages and religions, which are in a different order of difficulty, but also the day to day manner of crowding us all onto the same spinning planet. Some things they do well, some not, but there is so much to learn and master. It can be trying, but the you that comes out the other side can only be better adapted and more interesting. My parents were both born hillbillies from Kentucky, so they set the standard for distances crossed by turning themselves into urban European sophisticates. My journey was tiny in comparison.
What you say about Cairo being another order of difficulty definitely rings true to me--I believed at first that I would never adjust. The cadence of life was just too different, and I couldn’t imagine how I was going to figure it all out. But after 10 months, I find myself navigating it all pretty easily—I even drive in Cairo traffic! I mention that not to toot my own horn, but more as evidence of how adaptable humans are. It’s amazing what you can get used to, and how much you can grow, when you’re forced into different circumstances. I know what you mean about Northern Europe being more or less the same world as the U.S., but there are still so many micro differences that are thought-provoking and keep daily life interesting. I would love to find myself there someday!
This is a beautiful, raw and oh-so-relatable piece, Sam -- those feelings of ‘who am I?’ without a business card. Thank you for writing about this. You are a wonderful, thoughtful writer and I look forward to reading your posts every week!
Wow, Sam. What a beautiful, vulnerable, relatable piece. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us who think the world of you — if I may speak for the whole lot of your followers! ;)
Samantha, this was not easy to share, and I'm glad you did. It's not easy to open a space within our lives to ask questions about ourselves, about identity and why we really want and do things. Your writing is wonderful, and you've got a world of words. Others when asked about themselves, years from now, are not going to talk about their meetings. I suspect they would rather listen to your stories.
Thank you so much for this kind comment, Edward. It's funny that it felt so hard to write and share this, yet so many people clearly relate.
And I think your suspicion is right! That's what I try to remember when I'm feeling inadequate--this is an enriching experience and I'm having an amazing time, which is all we've really got in this life. It will leave me with plenty of interesting stories to tell. :)
Excellent, especially this: “Writing has come naturally to me since I was a child, and leaning into that innate strength was a life-affirming act.” I’d read a whole essay on that.
Thank you so much, Charlie! I like the idea of exploring that further...both as it relates to writing specifically, but also just in terms of how powerful it can be to focus on what you're good at. I've lost too much time worrying about the things I suck at and trying to fix them, when I probably should have been playing to my strengths.
What a wonderfully insightful piece, Sam! Thank you for your vulnerability - I think a lot of people go through similar experiences (myself included) and your honesty really helps to make it clear that these aren’t feelings that need to just be pushed down. Proud of you for finding internal validation!
It's not easy, full stop. You find yourself idle and all of a sudden it's time to rediscover yourself...
For me, lots of good, unexpected and creative things emerged, but also trauma from the past I'd been trying to avoid, plus the stigma of not contributing to the financial health of my family (aka my partner). A bit of a mess really 😆
It's amazing that you're back to writing, cheering you on!
I completely understand where you’re coming from on the financial contribution bit, Sinù. I’ve struggled with that, too. But I also believe that staying home and running a household (even if there are no children involved) is a very real economic contribution. For my husband and I, it’s bought us a lot of free time that we never had before—our weekends are no longer spent solely running errands, which I think is valuable! We’ve effectively traded a second income for leisure time, and it’s made us happier people.
I’m so glad to hear that you also found space for creativity. Cheering you on in your writing journey, too. ❤️
Ugh we have this trailing spouse thing in the Navy too! UGH I think of those first few dinners with my husbands co workers where I felt like a worthless pile of poo because no one asked me any questions or thought I held any value simply bc I didn’t work! 🤮
I have been having a similar identity crisis and all I can say is that I’m glad for it, I’m glad I’m aware of this and getting this out of my system because I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to be a person whose whole identity is her job. Even though it’s not pretty to look at this issue head on - it’s ugly and sticky and surprisingly painful - I am happy I have the courage to do it.
I relate to this so much, Brenna! It does not have to be this way! The more I reflect on it, the more I strongly believe it’s been a really positive experience to not work for a bit...not only has it made me sit with myself and figure out what I really want and value, but it’s given me way more empathy for others who don’t work or are underemployed. I’m sorry to say that before I experienced this myself, I also might have been dismissive of people in my position. Supportive spouses are under really tough circumstances, but our circumstances don’t make us any less smart or capable or interesting!
Ugh, Gillian, I hate that you were treated that way and empathize so much…that behavior is sexist, dehumanizing, and just plain dumb. I don’t think I’ve met a single expat who doesn’t have something to offer in conversation—your life is, by definition, outside the norm and therefore interesting, even if you don’t work for an embassy! And “Dependent”…as if you were a child, geez 😂
I love this! And honestly couldn’t relate more. Especially since I also used to work in DC. Ever since Covid I’m starting to realize that my job isn’t what defines me and that’s actually what I DON’T want to define me. I don’t want people to think of me as Madison the data engineer but rather someone that brings joy into their life and helps them live better. I think society molds us into thinking a career and how “prestigious” it is determines our worth- which is entirely wrong. It’s when we realize this and look deeper at what makes us happy and fulfilled that we can step back from this need to prove ourselves all the time. - Madison
“I don’t want people to think of me as Madison the data engineer but rather someone that brings joy into their life and helps them live better.”
This is such a lovely thought, Madison. The way we impact the lives of others is so much more important than a job title. And when we stop leading with our job titles, it becomes easier to make real, human connections. When I do go back to work, I’m going to make a conscious effort to talk about it less!
This essay makes me curious about the prequel: what sort of experiences tell yourself a story about how you became a DC mover and shaker rather than a writer or artist, for instance.
In answer to your question about periods removed from work, both of them I used to write feature scripts. It's pretty clear that "jobs" stand in the way of "the work" for me even though the two are on the same field. Is the essence of my recent post.
Oh man, I have so many thoughts on the artist vs. swamp creature decision--that one is a doozy to sort through. It may be a good topic for a longer essay. I always knew I wasn’t really willing to do the “starving artist” thing, but I also think a lot of people my age were sold this idea that there are uber-successful artists and artists that make pennies and nothing in between, which I now recognize was BS. I also think I was terrified of not being good enough to make something that other people would consider “art,” and I couldn’t fail if I didn’t try, right?
I understand what you mean about jobs standing in the way of work--even work you love will always be accompanied by chores/tangential stuff that you don’t want to do. I’m still reading your piece from this week, but love the point you made about using time “productively” vs. “purposefully”...getting stuff done is not the same as getting meaningful stuff done, and it’s important to recognize which is which.
"a lot of people my age were sold this idea that there are uber-successful artists and artists that make pennies and nothing in between, which I now recognize was BS."
Yeah one thing people need to know, just know, to decompress the very idea of what art and being an artist is, is that there are plenty of middle class work-a-day artists with regular, comfortable lives.
Exactly. I know plenty of artists who have never had a problem providing for themselves. Maybe they aren’t famous or obscenely wealthy, but they’re spending their days doing something they love, which is all that matters in the end.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Harold—glad to have you here! I’m guessing this is one reason why so many people end up back at work after retiring. It is not easy to construct a new sense of purpose from whole cloth. It’s been amazing to me to hear how many people from different walks of life have had experiences that led them to feel the same as I did.
In my 20s and 30s, I led your DC life, then relatively suddenly woke up to the financially lucrative void at the center of all that competition and movement. At least in my case. I retired at 38 and then 45, and finally made it stick at 55. Now, my wife, who still works like a lunatic, describes me as the busiest retiree she's ever met. And she's right--between photography, cooking, playing the clarinet, travel blogging, and travel itself (planning and going), and all the other little obsessions that arise along the way, I rarely have a spare minute. But as a current and former expat (now writing from home in Belgium), I have to call the expatriate life a gift from some God. It's a unique opportunity to add real depth to one's life. It's not easy, especially in places with established American communities to distract the attention, but when we strip away the safety nets and dive in, life never looks the same. I end your opportunities in a vast historical civilization like Cairo and love what you're doing with the antiquities.
That is so cool that you were able to retire early and travel--it sounds like you are really making the most of it! I couldn’t agree more that expat life is a gift. It isn’t always easy, but nothing worth doing is, right? It has woken me up to new perspectives on just about everything. I feel like I’m constantly being pushed out of my comfort zone and learning new things. As you point out, that adds so much depth to one’s life--a kind of depth that can be tough to gain when you’re working in an office in DC.
My typewriter took over when i meant to say that I envied your life in Cairo. After 60 years, we're pretty glued in (but not jaded) to northern European life, and it is completely different, but still in the same general world as America. Sort of anyway. Cairo is different, as is India, where we find most of our major adventures these days. Just the languages and religions, which are in a different order of difficulty, but also the day to day manner of crowding us all onto the same spinning planet. Some things they do well, some not, but there is so much to learn and master. It can be trying, but the you that comes out the other side can only be better adapted and more interesting. My parents were both born hillbillies from Kentucky, so they set the standard for distances crossed by turning themselves into urban European sophisticates. My journey was tiny in comparison.
What you say about Cairo being another order of difficulty definitely rings true to me--I believed at first that I would never adjust. The cadence of life was just too different, and I couldn’t imagine how I was going to figure it all out. But after 10 months, I find myself navigating it all pretty easily—I even drive in Cairo traffic! I mention that not to toot my own horn, but more as evidence of how adaptable humans are. It’s amazing what you can get used to, and how much you can grow, when you’re forced into different circumstances. I know what you mean about Northern Europe being more or less the same world as the U.S., but there are still so many micro differences that are thought-provoking and keep daily life interesting. I would love to find myself there someday!
This is a beautiful, raw and oh-so-relatable piece, Sam -- those feelings of ‘who am I?’ without a business card. Thank you for writing about this. You are a wonderful, thoughtful writer and I look forward to reading your posts every week!
Thank you so much, Jolene! Funny how sometimes it’s the hardest pieces to publish that end up resonating the most. ❤️
Wow, Sam. What a beautiful, vulnerable, relatable piece. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us who think the world of you — if I may speak for the whole lot of your followers! ;)
Thank you, Tom ❤️ So nice to see your name pop up on my screen!! Hope you’re well!
Sounds like you are finding real freedom. So great!
This is exactly it! It's so nice to not feel like my whole life is tied to a single thing.
Wonderful piece! We love you for who you are, not where you work.
Thank you, Joe ❤️ sending love to you and Deb!
Beautifully expressed. A very relatable essay. Thank you!
:) thank you, Vicki!
Samantha, this was not easy to share, and I'm glad you did. It's not easy to open a space within our lives to ask questions about ourselves, about identity and why we really want and do things. Your writing is wonderful, and you've got a world of words. Others when asked about themselves, years from now, are not going to talk about their meetings. I suspect they would rather listen to your stories.
Thank you so much for this kind comment, Edward. It's funny that it felt so hard to write and share this, yet so many people clearly relate.
And I think your suspicion is right! That's what I try to remember when I'm feeling inadequate--this is an enriching experience and I'm having an amazing time, which is all we've really got in this life. It will leave me with plenty of interesting stories to tell. :)
Excellent, especially this: “Writing has come naturally to me since I was a child, and leaning into that innate strength was a life-affirming act.” I’d read a whole essay on that.
Thank you so much, Charlie! I like the idea of exploring that further...both as it relates to writing specifically, but also just in terms of how powerful it can be to focus on what you're good at. I've lost too much time worrying about the things I suck at and trying to fix them, when I probably should have been playing to my strengths.
What a wonderfully insightful piece, Sam! Thank you for your vulnerability - I think a lot of people go through similar experiences (myself included) and your honesty really helps to make it clear that these aren’t feelings that need to just be pushed down. Proud of you for finding internal validation!
Thank you so much, Emily ❤️❤️ I’ve been taking about this a lot lately, and have been surprised to hear how many people feel the same!
So much I can relate to Sam.
It's not easy, full stop. You find yourself idle and all of a sudden it's time to rediscover yourself...
For me, lots of good, unexpected and creative things emerged, but also trauma from the past I'd been trying to avoid, plus the stigma of not contributing to the financial health of my family (aka my partner). A bit of a mess really 😆
It's amazing that you're back to writing, cheering you on!
I completely understand where you’re coming from on the financial contribution bit, Sinù. I’ve struggled with that, too. But I also believe that staying home and running a household (even if there are no children involved) is a very real economic contribution. For my husband and I, it’s bought us a lot of free time that we never had before—our weekends are no longer spent solely running errands, which I think is valuable! We’ve effectively traded a second income for leisure time, and it’s made us happier people.
I’m so glad to hear that you also found space for creativity. Cheering you on in your writing journey, too. ❤️
Ugh we have this trailing spouse thing in the Navy too! UGH I think of those first few dinners with my husbands co workers where I felt like a worthless pile of poo because no one asked me any questions or thought I held any value simply bc I didn’t work! 🤮
I have been having a similar identity crisis and all I can say is that I’m glad for it, I’m glad I’m aware of this and getting this out of my system because I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to be a person whose whole identity is her job. Even though it’s not pretty to look at this issue head on - it’s ugly and sticky and surprisingly painful - I am happy I have the courage to do it.
I relate to this so much, Brenna! It does not have to be this way! The more I reflect on it, the more I strongly believe it’s been a really positive experience to not work for a bit...not only has it made me sit with myself and figure out what I really want and value, but it’s given me way more empathy for others who don’t work or are underemployed. I’m sorry to say that before I experienced this myself, I also might have been dismissive of people in my position. Supportive spouses are under really tough circumstances, but our circumstances don’t make us any less smart or capable or interesting!
This made me cry remembering the years of being walked away from at cocktail parties when people realized I was “the wife.”
I used to have an ID badge that said Dependent! Trailing spouse is the improvement 😂
Ugh, Gillian, I hate that you were treated that way and empathize so much…that behavior is sexist, dehumanizing, and just plain dumb. I don’t think I’ve met a single expat who doesn’t have something to offer in conversation—your life is, by definition, outside the norm and therefore interesting, even if you don’t work for an embassy! And “Dependent”…as if you were a child, geez 😂
I love this! And honestly couldn’t relate more. Especially since I also used to work in DC. Ever since Covid I’m starting to realize that my job isn’t what defines me and that’s actually what I DON’T want to define me. I don’t want people to think of me as Madison the data engineer but rather someone that brings joy into their life and helps them live better. I think society molds us into thinking a career and how “prestigious” it is determines our worth- which is entirely wrong. It’s when we realize this and look deeper at what makes us happy and fulfilled that we can step back from this need to prove ourselves all the time. - Madison
“I don’t want people to think of me as Madison the data engineer but rather someone that brings joy into their life and helps them live better.”
This is such a lovely thought, Madison. The way we impact the lives of others is so much more important than a job title. And when we stop leading with our job titles, it becomes easier to make real, human connections. When I do go back to work, I’m going to make a conscious effort to talk about it less!
This essay makes me curious about the prequel: what sort of experiences tell yourself a story about how you became a DC mover and shaker rather than a writer or artist, for instance.
In answer to your question about periods removed from work, both of them I used to write feature scripts. It's pretty clear that "jobs" stand in the way of "the work" for me even though the two are on the same field. Is the essence of my recent post.
Oh man, I have so many thoughts on the artist vs. swamp creature decision--that one is a doozy to sort through. It may be a good topic for a longer essay. I always knew I wasn’t really willing to do the “starving artist” thing, but I also think a lot of people my age were sold this idea that there are uber-successful artists and artists that make pennies and nothing in between, which I now recognize was BS. I also think I was terrified of not being good enough to make something that other people would consider “art,” and I couldn’t fail if I didn’t try, right?
I understand what you mean about jobs standing in the way of work--even work you love will always be accompanied by chores/tangential stuff that you don’t want to do. I’m still reading your piece from this week, but love the point you made about using time “productively” vs. “purposefully”...getting stuff done is not the same as getting meaningful stuff done, and it’s important to recognize which is which.
"a lot of people my age were sold this idea that there are uber-successful artists and artists that make pennies and nothing in between, which I now recognize was BS."
Yeah one thing people need to know, just know, to decompress the very idea of what art and being an artist is, is that there are plenty of middle class work-a-day artists with regular, comfortable lives.
Exactly. I know plenty of artists who have never had a problem providing for themselves. Maybe they aren’t famous or obscenely wealthy, but they’re spending their days doing something they love, which is all that matters in the end.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Harold—glad to have you here! I’m guessing this is one reason why so many people end up back at work after retiring. It is not easy to construct a new sense of purpose from whole cloth. It’s been amazing to me to hear how many people from different walks of life have had experiences that led them to feel the same as I did.