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Trilety Wade's avatar

I love that you shared this. There is so much that i CANNOT speak to because i have pretty much never had any real future plans or goals and i've never lived in a country other than the one I was born in - let alone been so far away from so many for so long. I used to get frustrated and feel like such a useless heap of flesh since i had no goals, but one good thing about it is your dreams are never really dashed - the parallel paths are always open, which can lead to a shitty "choice kills response" scenario but my point is that i have never grieved the loss of an imagined future the way you are. You are double grieving right now - your dad and your dreams. Yet you are still living - gossiping, playing games, watching the sky - these are all slow tasks that will help your healing (you need to be slow now) and i just bet every one of these activities will actually lead you to your next dream, it just doesn't feel like it right now. It goes against your nature, but give yourself some time to eschew thoughts of the future and put your fulll attention to the life you are lliving now - it is not as fruitless as you believe in your dark moments.

I've never been where you are tho, so I so appreciate you sharing your experience with all of us. And when I'm unmoored,, i go for walks in the prairie or woods, just like you did in CA - btw i LOVE that landscape. My stepdad's mom lived in San Mateo and she was surrounded by dry hills and gnarled white wood with birds that had similar shapes but different colors than the ones we have here.

Hugs to you lady!

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Skye McDonald's avatar

“After a succession of flukes and decisions—both obviously important and seemingly small when I made them—I’ve awakened in a reality I neither recognize nor understand.” Ooft did I feel this!!! Idk how we regain our footing, only that, at some point, you look around at your new reality and start to recognize yourself again. Keep what makes your heart happy. Let the rest fall away. 💖

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