32 Comments
Nov 9, 2022Liked by Samantha Childress

I love that you shared this. There is so much that i CANNOT speak to because i have pretty much never had any real future plans or goals and i've never lived in a country other than the one I was born in - let alone been so far away from so many for so long. I used to get frustrated and feel like such a useless heap of flesh since i had no goals, but one good thing about it is your dreams are never really dashed - the parallel paths are always open, which can lead to a shitty "choice kills response" scenario but my point is that i have never grieved the loss of an imagined future the way you are. You are double grieving right now - your dad and your dreams. Yet you are still living - gossiping, playing games, watching the sky - these are all slow tasks that will help your healing (you need to be slow now) and i just bet every one of these activities will actually lead you to your next dream, it just doesn't feel like it right now. It goes against your nature, but give yourself some time to eschew thoughts of the future and put your fulll attention to the life you are lliving now - it is not as fruitless as you believe in your dark moments.

I've never been where you are tho, so I so appreciate you sharing your experience with all of us. And when I'm unmoored,, i go for walks in the prairie or woods, just like you did in CA - btw i LOVE that landscape. My stepdad's mom lived in San Mateo and she was surrounded by dry hills and gnarled white wood with birds that had similar shapes but different colors than the ones we have here.

Hugs to you lady!

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Nov 8, 2022Liked by Samantha Childress

“After a succession of flukes and decisions—both obviously important and seemingly small when I made them—I’ve awakened in a reality I neither recognize nor understand.” Ooft did I feel this!!! Idk how we regain our footing, only that, at some point, you look around at your new reality and start to recognize yourself again. Keep what makes your heart happy. Let the rest fall away. 💖

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Nov 8, 2022Liked by Samantha Childress

Just from reading this newsletter over the last couple of months gives me confidence in your "superpower" to find your way. All my best in this journey Sam.

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Nov 14, 2022Liked by Samantha Childress

I think this is the beginning of your book. I, too, sometimes feel I'm flying by the seat of my pants, sometimes by choice and other times not. But I think everyone feels that way sometimes; whether we made detailed plans or not, we find ourselves on a train with no brakes that we chose to board at a time when our priorities may have been different, so we end up laying track and driving at the same time, building branches that we hope go somewhere.

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Nov 8, 2022Liked by Samantha Childress

I retired just over 5 yrs ago. I went from averaging 12hr days, mostly 7 days a week, to not much. I’m a driven person. I felt rudderless, unimportant & floundering. It sent me into a mild depression. After 6 months of this, I knew this couldn’t continue. I needed some structure, so I made a jobs to do list & those jobs were done Mon- Fri, with weekends off, so I could socialise with family/friends. I did a whole heap of my own research on healthier lifestyle choices & found time for some mindfulness projects. Tai Chi, Yoga, a more plant based diet, full of home grown vegetables & living in the moment. I also made some new friends in my new area I moved to, having a connection to my local community has made a big difference to my life. I’m feeling very different today & for the better.

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Samantha, it seems to me you are going through the typical expat phases. Phase 1: Wow, this country is so new and different, it's fascinating. Phase 2: Wow, this country's culture is so different and alien, it's overwhelming and intimidating. I don't feel at home here. I don't know if I can make it here. I prefer to be in my comfort zone back in America. If you can find some American expat friends in Cairo with whom to regularly compare notes, that will be an anchoring experience. Best, Jim

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Sending you lots of love. I can relate to much of what you're going through... stay strong, you'll find your path <3

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Nov 15, 2022Liked by Samantha Childress

In other news, I think you'll get a kick out of this article: https://news.artnet.com/art-world/worlds-oldest-alphabet-sentence-head-lice-warning-2208101 :D

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Nov 15, 2022Liked by Samantha Childress

In a previous post, you mentioned that you had recently made "a scary, exciting, life-altering decision." !!! At the time, I had no idea what you meant, and I didn't want to pry, so I was planning to send you an email that said, "Congrats on your big decision! Congrats on having the guts to do something scary and exciting! I'm sure you made the right choice." I was *hoping* the life-altering decision was a book deal or freelancing contract. As I read this post, my heart breaks for you, and I want to say something tender and supportive. But maybe my original congratulations are better. :) I'm so sorry you have to go through this storm, but I admire you for weathering it so well. I'm sure you're making the right choices.

I admire you for having the courage to share the ups and the downs in your blog. As you say yourself, this post and "Escaping the Validation Vacuum" are both true; they just show the spectrum of emotions and perspectives you have (and everyone has a spectrum!). What makes your blog so exciting to read is that it isn't just about losing your dad, or global politics, or travel. Your blog shows how all of these things are woven into one life.

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Such a beautiful post. 😃

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Losing a parent is already hard but being far from family at this time is even harder. I get that too as 99% of my family is in Brazil. I know my mother must have felt the same as you too. But honestly all of us can relate to your valley. I’m sending you a bear hug from Nashville. Can’t wait to read next week’s ‘stack. 💕

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That rudderless, where am I going feeling -- oh, I’ve known it well at different points in my life too, Sam. It’s extremely unsettling. I can’t remember where I heard this, but it’s stayed with me and I’ve thought of it at those times when I was earnestly trying to ‘figure it all out’ asap. “You don’t have to solve everything today.”

Love your childhood wisdom on the card -- it still works, maybe even more today. Keep writing! ✨

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I relate to this so much, going through a similar identity crisis since moving to Napoli

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Living in Cairo you may well have come across this already, but there's a Bantu word, Mzungu, which once meant ‘aimless wanderer’, but has come to mean ‘white person’ ever since the first European explorers traversed the continent. Really enjoyed reading this piece, which reminded me of that word.

While wandering without purpose has its place (i.e. in the hope of discovering something new at random) it certainly not a feeling you want to have for too long in the context of your entire life direction. So I love the sentiment you've expressed here and the beautiful way you've put it.

It seems it's been a couple of months since you wrote it so hoping you feel a bit less lost now!

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As always beautiful, and you know (or more rather I sense that you believe me when I say) that I can relate, to this hard travel. You know (again) that I don't mean through places you can point to on a map. Losing our preconceptions, losing our way forward is not easy. It's not fair, I'm sorry about it.

Making space by giving things up, to sort things out, is a hard ask - especially if they were very beautiful and you could almost touch them. But hopefully, it is like Newton's third law of motion, the momentum of the material ejected from the back of a rocket imparts equal force in the opposite direction. Leaving giving some things up helps kick us forward but I understand that it doesn't soften its force. But look at the amazing things you're steered through, and sharing accounts of your flight. Don't hit eject just yet, you're on your way.

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