What a great essay! I was looking forward to it all week and you didn't disappoint.
Your description of your clothes/look vs. those of the queen and the princess remind me of my ever-difficult challenge of where to find hijabi clothes that actually fit my style.
Middle Eastern fashion doesn't really suit me. It's either too loud or too formal or too colourful or too... something. I like neutral colours, not a lot of pattern, no chunky buttons, etc., which means I prefer to go shopping at any old store at the mall and hope they have my shirt dresses or wide legged pants, rather than buying my outdoor clothes at a "hijabi" store, where the clothes are generally not only hijabi in terms of what they cover but distinctly Middle Eastern in their style.
Of course, the average store at the mall will cause me all sorts of problems: I"ll find the perfect shirt-dress, but it'll have 3 quarter sleeves, or a wide front for cleavage. I'll find a skirt I love and then I'll see the slit all the way up to the thigh.
The only (sort of exception) to my hijabi clothing conundrum was Turkiye, where I bought 5 of the same long sleeved button down tunic to wear to the office and found a few other current wardrobe staples. Still, that took days of shopping because half of the other outfits were just too formal or shiny or whatever...
Thank you so much, Noha! I was hoping you'd chime in with your perspective. :) I imagine you're far from alone in struggling to find modest clothing that suits you. (Kind of weird that no one has tried to fill that hole in the market...? I feel like a Western store that didn't market itself as a "hijabi" or "modesty" store and just sold clothes similar to any other but with all long sleeves, long skirts/pants, high necklines etc. could do well? But I digress.)
And the struggle of the thigh-high slit is so real--while I don't face all the struggles you do with shopping, I've had that specific experience too, and it's such an unpleasant surprise when you think you've found the perfect thing only to go into the dressing room and realize you're totally exposed, lol. I get that some people like that look, but personally if I'm buying a maxi dress or long skirt it's because I want my legs covered!!
You’re adorable in your coastal grandma attire! But I get it. When I moved to a small provincial village in Italy 15 years ago it was a different place. Even now, it’s often clear who’s a tourist by their shorts. Where you are, it’s clearly another level and I find it fascinating. Thank you for sharing with us.
Thank you, Lolly! It’s interesting how even the subtlest clothing choices can signal things about our habits/origin/beliefs or mark us as “other.” I can often pick out European tourists in the U.S. by the brands they wear!
Yes, as an expat/immigrant, what signals us as other is a meaty topic over a weekend. For tourists, the brands too! Also that often tourist men wear baseball hats while they eat in restaurants. And many tourists are wearing clothes that are clearly brand new, seemingly purchased for the trip, and very white sneakers.
The baseball hat is interesting and when I think about it, it rings true! It's funny, because even in the U.S. it's generally considered good manners to remove your hat at a table or in a restaurant (at least in my experience). But maybe that etiquette is kind of old school now.
I don’t know. When I lived in the US it was considered rude too. But that was 15 years ago and I see a lot of American men do it here. Maybe someone American living in America knows and could tell us?
That female guard acknowledging you made your day. It is a lesson to all of us to say something kind and supportive whenever we can, you don’t know who you are going to lift up a little. I too am fascinated with your life there in Amman, so exotic compared to my mid-Michigan existence!
So true! I used to be very guarded in my compliments, and I’m not even sure why? The older I get, the more I go around telling people they’re awesome and it feels good
Before I say anything, I think its worth noting that I'm a man who has a different experience in terms of how I express myself. With that being said, I can understand both the Western view and the view of people in the Middle East as well. One of the reasons I'm attracted to cities such as London, Los Angeles or New York, is that when it comes to expression there is no pressure to conform to anything, people can where whatever they want (although there are some things that we do conform to such as not going outside naked).
With that being said it does feel like in recent years the conversation on self expression is not as narrow as it once was as different experiences across the world informs our view on the subject. Although the ugly stereotype of Muslim women in these countries being oppressed just because they wear a hijab or a niqab still seems to resurface from time to time. Hopefully we can be more understanding and respectful for people who have different ways of expressing themselves through their clothing.
I'm with you, Fahim. While clothes can of course have personal or religious significance to the wearer, they're also just...clothes. And when you're regularly exposed to people who present themselves differently than you do, it becomes clearer that there is no reason for clothes to be a barrier to peaceful and tolerant coexistence. I would like to live in a world where people mind their business and don't concern themselves with how others choose to dress. Let's not give pieces of fabric the power to divide us!
Thank you for expressing so clearly some worries and thoughts I have as well!
I want to be respectful and not stared at, yet I also don't want to be scared to offend without good reason.
When I was in Egypt in 2022, I found myself biking in shorts and T-shirt through a small village near Luxor. I was afraid locals would judge me or ignore me. But many women in hijab waved as enthusiastically to me as their kids—they saw a Western woman dressed very differently from them but that was apparently totally okay.
That’s really lovely, Claire. I think we often default to assuming that people with beliefs that are different from our own will either think we’re wrong for not holding their same beliefs or will want to impose their beliefs on us. But in reality that’s somewhat rare (at least in my experience).
What a complex and beautiful analysis. How amazing it is to discover the absolute sameness of our (apparent) opposites. Plus…you’re an impeccable writer. I’m so glad to be here!
It is amazing to me how many people have asked me over the years if I must be covered in Türkiye. (Or how much sand and camels this country has. SMH) Especially when they know I am not Muslim. I agree with you that the world would be a better place if we let everyone dress as they wished. I adjusted my wardrobe when moving to rural parts of this country only to find the locals expect me to be different and care not one whit about how I dress. Or act. Or my elementary level of their language. It's made me learn a thing or two.
Sand and camels 😂 I thought it was somewhat well-known that Türkiye is very secular, but I think I’ve probably lost some perspective about what others do and don’t know about in this region after living here for awhile. And that’s interesting that in rural areas people expected you to dress differently—but in a way it makes sense. I’m sure they’re aware of how Americans tend to dress, so that’s what they would expect!
Westerners are more fascinated by the hijab and modest clothing than the locals. I guarantee no one is silently judging you because you didn't cover your hair. There's too many misconceptions about the Middle East, driven by western media needing an Other to point at.
A really fine essay, Samantha. As you show, hair covering (and dress habits generally) is much more nuanced and varied than many western stereotypes of the region would suggest.
I was asked this question before I moved to Amman, and when I got back. People were always surprised when I told them about the diversity of how women dress in Jordan.
That jives with my experience as well! I think that when people feel a place is “different” they tend to also think of it as monolithic, but there is plenty of diversity of dress, thought, religion, etc. here.
I love how you merge the personal with reflections on wider society. I grew up Mormon, so when I first went to the Middle East at 20, the attitude toward female modesty was familiar, even if the specific body parts to be covered were not. One thing I found different was the separation between public and private. Mormon women dressed modestly all the time, and were very shy of being naked even in front of other women. Whereas in Syria at home or in the female section of a party (or at the hammam!) the dress standards were totally different than in front of men.
Yes, this is so true! I think it’s way more normal here to not worry about modesty in all-female spaces than it is in western circles that promote modesty.
Men need to be trained to treat women as equals. Ugh that really hit home. I’m glad you got complimented on your sporty attire. I related to this because I always feel like I stick out in Italy. Everyone asks me if I’m German (I’m tall and dress pretty sporty). Loved this piece!
Thank you, Brenna! ❤️ it will always be wild to me how many totally disparate cultural practices around the world are driven by the same basic desire to control women.
I wish the young women in Iran had a choice about hijab. If I was a member of The Committee For Running The World, several things would change, all in the direction of personal choice and freedom.
I agree with you! No one should ever be forced to dress in a way they're uncomfortable with. By the same token, I wish people would leave women who freely choose to wear the hijab alone. The whole business with the French Olympic committee banning hijabis from competing for France was downright strange to me. I get that the French say it's about laïcité, but even if you accept that argument women were being singled out, as I can't think of any equivalent "ostentatious" religious symbol that a man would wear. (Clearly I have many feelings about this!)
Yes, anyone who freely chooses religious garb should be respected. Amish, Muslims, Catholic sisters. When it’s freely chosen, there’s a certain beauty and goodness to it.
For many years, I was required to wear acceptable office clothes: khaki Dockers, a blue button down shirt, and etc. That kind of thing. I chose to wear it because it was a condition of a job I freely chose. I don’t think anyone should be forced against their will to wear what others command them to wear. Wear or not wear, it is a human right to make that decision.
I do understand the French commitment to a secular society. They have a culture and it should be respected. Your point about women being singled out is exactly the problem. It should be their choice.
What a great essay! I was looking forward to it all week and you didn't disappoint.
Your description of your clothes/look vs. those of the queen and the princess remind me of my ever-difficult challenge of where to find hijabi clothes that actually fit my style.
Middle Eastern fashion doesn't really suit me. It's either too loud or too formal or too colourful or too... something. I like neutral colours, not a lot of pattern, no chunky buttons, etc., which means I prefer to go shopping at any old store at the mall and hope they have my shirt dresses or wide legged pants, rather than buying my outdoor clothes at a "hijabi" store, where the clothes are generally not only hijabi in terms of what they cover but distinctly Middle Eastern in their style.
Of course, the average store at the mall will cause me all sorts of problems: I"ll find the perfect shirt-dress, but it'll have 3 quarter sleeves, or a wide front for cleavage. I'll find a skirt I love and then I'll see the slit all the way up to the thigh.
The only (sort of exception) to my hijabi clothing conundrum was Turkiye, where I bought 5 of the same long sleeved button down tunic to wear to the office and found a few other current wardrobe staples. Still, that took days of shopping because half of the other outfits were just too formal or shiny or whatever...
Thank you so much, Noha! I was hoping you'd chime in with your perspective. :) I imagine you're far from alone in struggling to find modest clothing that suits you. (Kind of weird that no one has tried to fill that hole in the market...? I feel like a Western store that didn't market itself as a "hijabi" or "modesty" store and just sold clothes similar to any other but with all long sleeves, long skirts/pants, high necklines etc. could do well? But I digress.)
And the struggle of the thigh-high slit is so real--while I don't face all the struggles you do with shopping, I've had that specific experience too, and it's such an unpleasant surprise when you think you've found the perfect thing only to go into the dressing room and realize you're totally exposed, lol. I get that some people like that look, but personally if I'm buying a maxi dress or long skirt it's because I want my legs covered!!
You’re adorable in your coastal grandma attire! But I get it. When I moved to a small provincial village in Italy 15 years ago it was a different place. Even now, it’s often clear who’s a tourist by their shorts. Where you are, it’s clearly another level and I find it fascinating. Thank you for sharing with us.
Thank you, Lolly! It’s interesting how even the subtlest clothing choices can signal things about our habits/origin/beliefs or mark us as “other.” I can often pick out European tourists in the U.S. by the brands they wear!
Yes, as an expat/immigrant, what signals us as other is a meaty topic over a weekend. For tourists, the brands too! Also that often tourist men wear baseball hats while they eat in restaurants. And many tourists are wearing clothes that are clearly brand new, seemingly purchased for the trip, and very white sneakers.
The baseball hat is interesting and when I think about it, it rings true! It's funny, because even in the U.S. it's generally considered good manners to remove your hat at a table or in a restaurant (at least in my experience). But maybe that etiquette is kind of old school now.
I don’t know. When I lived in the US it was considered rude too. But that was 15 years ago and I see a lot of American men do it here. Maybe someone American living in America knows and could tell us?
That female guard acknowledging you made your day. It is a lesson to all of us to say something kind and supportive whenever we can, you don’t know who you are going to lift up a little. I too am fascinated with your life there in Amman, so exotic compared to my mid-Michigan existence!
So true! I used to be very guarded in my compliments, and I’m not even sure why? The older I get, the more I go around telling people they’re awesome and it feels good
Before I say anything, I think its worth noting that I'm a man who has a different experience in terms of how I express myself. With that being said, I can understand both the Western view and the view of people in the Middle East as well. One of the reasons I'm attracted to cities such as London, Los Angeles or New York, is that when it comes to expression there is no pressure to conform to anything, people can where whatever they want (although there are some things that we do conform to such as not going outside naked).
With that being said it does feel like in recent years the conversation on self expression is not as narrow as it once was as different experiences across the world informs our view on the subject. Although the ugly stereotype of Muslim women in these countries being oppressed just because they wear a hijab or a niqab still seems to resurface from time to time. Hopefully we can be more understanding and respectful for people who have different ways of expressing themselves through their clothing.
I'm with you, Fahim. While clothes can of course have personal or religious significance to the wearer, they're also just...clothes. And when you're regularly exposed to people who present themselves differently than you do, it becomes clearer that there is no reason for clothes to be a barrier to peaceful and tolerant coexistence. I would like to live in a world where people mind their business and don't concern themselves with how others choose to dress. Let's not give pieces of fabric the power to divide us!
Thank you for expressing so clearly some worries and thoughts I have as well!
I want to be respectful and not stared at, yet I also don't want to be scared to offend without good reason.
When I was in Egypt in 2022, I found myself biking in shorts and T-shirt through a small village near Luxor. I was afraid locals would judge me or ignore me. But many women in hijab waved as enthusiastically to me as their kids—they saw a Western woman dressed very differently from them but that was apparently totally okay.
That’s really lovely, Claire. I think we often default to assuming that people with beliefs that are different from our own will either think we’re wrong for not holding their same beliefs or will want to impose their beliefs on us. But in reality that’s somewhat rare (at least in my experience).
What a complex and beautiful analysis. How amazing it is to discover the absolute sameness of our (apparent) opposites. Plus…you’re an impeccable writer. I’m so glad to be here!
🥹 Isabel, this is such a lovely comment! I am so glad you’re here, too!
It is amazing to me how many people have asked me over the years if I must be covered in Türkiye. (Or how much sand and camels this country has. SMH) Especially when they know I am not Muslim. I agree with you that the world would be a better place if we let everyone dress as they wished. I adjusted my wardrobe when moving to rural parts of this country only to find the locals expect me to be different and care not one whit about how I dress. Or act. Or my elementary level of their language. It's made me learn a thing or two.
Sand and camels 😂 I thought it was somewhat well-known that Türkiye is very secular, but I think I’ve probably lost some perspective about what others do and don’t know about in this region after living here for awhile. And that’s interesting that in rural areas people expected you to dress differently—but in a way it makes sense. I’m sure they’re aware of how Americans tend to dress, so that’s what they would expect!
Westerners are more fascinated by the hijab and modest clothing than the locals. I guarantee no one is silently judging you because you didn't cover your hair. There's too many misconceptions about the Middle East, driven by western media needing an Other to point at.
Yup--that's exactly the point I'm making.
Having recently mused on this topic vis a vis my recent stay in a conservative part of Turkey, I appreciated reading your thoughts.
It's an interesting one to think about...there are so many angles and perspectives to consider.
A really fine essay, Samantha. As you show, hair covering (and dress habits generally) is much more nuanced and varied than many western stereotypes of the region would suggest.
Thank you so much, Jeffrey!
I was asked this question before I moved to Amman, and when I got back. People were always surprised when I told them about the diversity of how women dress in Jordan.
That jives with my experience as well! I think that when people feel a place is “different” they tend to also think of it as monolithic, but there is plenty of diversity of dress, thought, religion, etc. here.
Thank you for this. The last paragraph had me tear up. There is so much more connection than we are made to think, right. Thank you for this glimpse.
Thank you so much for reading and for the kind words, Christine! ❤️
I love how you merge the personal with reflections on wider society. I grew up Mormon, so when I first went to the Middle East at 20, the attitude toward female modesty was familiar, even if the specific body parts to be covered were not. One thing I found different was the separation between public and private. Mormon women dressed modestly all the time, and were very shy of being naked even in front of other women. Whereas in Syria at home or in the female section of a party (or at the hammam!) the dress standards were totally different than in front of men.
Yes, this is so true! I think it’s way more normal here to not worry about modesty in all-female spaces than it is in western circles that promote modesty.
Men need to be trained to treat women as equals. Ugh that really hit home. I’m glad you got complimented on your sporty attire. I related to this because I always feel like I stick out in Italy. Everyone asks me if I’m German (I’m tall and dress pretty sporty). Loved this piece!
Thank you, Brenna! ❤️ it will always be wild to me how many totally disparate cultural practices around the world are driven by the same basic desire to control women.
I wish the young women in Iran had a choice about hijab. If I was a member of The Committee For Running The World, several things would change, all in the direction of personal choice and freedom.
I agree with you! No one should ever be forced to dress in a way they're uncomfortable with. By the same token, I wish people would leave women who freely choose to wear the hijab alone. The whole business with the French Olympic committee banning hijabis from competing for France was downright strange to me. I get that the French say it's about laïcité, but even if you accept that argument women were being singled out, as I can't think of any equivalent "ostentatious" religious symbol that a man would wear. (Clearly I have many feelings about this!)
Yes, anyone who freely chooses religious garb should be respected. Amish, Muslims, Catholic sisters. When it’s freely chosen, there’s a certain beauty and goodness to it.
For many years, I was required to wear acceptable office clothes: khaki Dockers, a blue button down shirt, and etc. That kind of thing. I chose to wear it because it was a condition of a job I freely chose. I don’t think anyone should be forced against their will to wear what others command them to wear. Wear or not wear, it is a human right to make that decision.
I do understand the French commitment to a secular society. They have a culture and it should be respected. Your point about women being singled out is exactly the problem. It should be their choice.
"Coastal grandmother chic." Lol! I love it! And I love the moment of connection with the security guards. <3
Thanks, Victoria! ❤️ Those guards are the sweetest!